Your “Should”s Probably Aren’t Working

In this job, I hear so many “should”s. 

“I should call my dad more.”

“I should have gotten straight A’s.”

“I shouldn’t have yelled at her like that.”

“I should really go to the gym more.”

These moments always make me pause.

Not because I don’t use “should”s—I’m human, and I do.

But sitting on the other side of the room or the screen, they sound so harsh and critical of the person speaking them. A “should” implies there is a rule to be followed, and that if you’re not following it, you have failed in some way. But if we examine these statements further, most of the time we find the “rule” is arbitrary and completely made up–either by us or someone else. There are no universal rules that state we have to call our parents or perform well academically, or even use the gym membership we’ve been paying for for months. By saying “I should”, we are inducing guilt and shame, and making ourselves feel worse instead of motivated.

When you catch yourself saying or thinking “I should…”, try replacing that statement with:

“I wish I”

“I’d like to”

Or “It’s important to me to”

For example: 

“I’d like to call my dad more.”

“I wish I had gotten straight A’s.”

“I wish I hadn’t yelled at her like that.”

“It’s important to me to go to the gym more.”

Then take a moment to evaluate how true that statement is for you.

Maybe it reveals that you don’t actually want to call your dad more often, and that was just a rule you made up for yourself or an obligation put on you by someone else. Maybe you do wish you had gotten straight A’s, and that reveals something important about your values of hard work and achievement, without shaming yourself for your perceived failures. “I wish I hadn’t yelled at her like that” creates so much more room for repair. And clarifying the importance–or not–of going to the gym will help it feel less like an obligation and more like a choice.

This subtle language shift can make a difference both in how we talk to ourselves about ourselves and how we remain motivated to do the things that are actually important to us without shame getting in the way. 

So here’s the takeaway–if there are no “should”s, then how would you like to live your life?