What To Do When Your Partner Has Anxiety—But You Don’t

Does your partner get stressed by or overwhelmed about things that feel small to you? Does it feel like their imagination runs to the worst case scenario? Does it seem hard to understand because your brain just doesn’t work that way? Do you sometimes feel at a loss for what to do when you notice their increasing anxiety?

We all feel anxious at times, but for some people, their anxious feelings are more frequent and more intense. Generally, when we talk about chronic anxiety, we describe it as excessive and persistent worry that is difficult to control and impacts daily functioning. Some of this process is normal—we are biologically wired to experience fear when we perceive danger in our environment. If we see a lion in the wild, our automatic response is fear. However, when you are experiencing anxiety, your brain is giving you the signal of fear, even when there is not necessarily a danger present. The perception of danger leads to the same physiological response. 

Anxiety is processed in the amygdala, a totally separate part of the brain from the prefrontal cortex, which is where the logical thinking happens. Therefore, trying to engage your anxious partner in problem solving likely isn’t going to work unless they can get to a more grounded place. So while your instinct might be to solve things for them or appeal to the rational, that might not be what would actually decrease their anxiety.

So how can you help? First thing to try is to ask your partner what they need. And to ask them when they’re feeling more grounded (remember–their ability to access their prefrontal cortex is inhibited during an anxious moment!) They likely will be able to identify something they’d like you to do.

This might look like:

-Offers of validation (“Yeah, that makes sense that you’d feel overwhelmed by that!”, “This is really hard”)

-Reassurance of safety (“It won’t feel like this forever”, “What’s happening now is not what happened then, even if it feels like it!”)

-Reassurance of connection (“We will figure it out”, “I’ll be here”)

-Co-regulation (Eye contact, a tight hug, breathing together)

-Reminders of their grounding strategies (“Take a deep breath with me”, “Do you want to go for a walk?”, “Here’s some ice water”)

If your partner is not sure what would help, commit to figuring it out together. It might take some trial and error. Some strategies might work sometimes, but not always. What is most universally helpful is when you, as the supportive partner, can stay calm and grounded. Getting angry, stern, or annoyed can increase their anxiety.

And remember–it’s not your job to “fix” your partner’s anxiety. Anxiety actually isn’t something to be fixed, rather it’s something that can be managed by the anxious person. Your role is to be the cheerleader on the sidelines, but not playing the game.