Guest Blog: Feeling Ready for a Second Kid After Birth Trauma
Written by Shelley Freeman, LCMHC
In my practice, I often get asked how do you know you’re ready or you can handle going from one to two kids after having birth trauma with your first. It’s a question I think most moms are asking, which is how do you know you’re ready to do it again after such a difficult experience? What did I miss the first time that I can make better this time? Or, can I even handle being in a similar situation? What if what happened before happens again?
Becoming a mom for the first time is one of the biggest shifts we will make, and this needs time to settle, but birth trauma can make this much more difficult. Think about how much your daily life, focus and priorities shifted when you had a baby. Bringing your first into this world was life changing, in positive and negative ways. When there’s been birth trauma it’s so much more complicated of an experience. There’s so much focus on the baby that there’s often little time for mom to check in with herself or heal, both physically and mentally. I mean, look at the dismal amount of maternity/paternity leave most people get. It’s abysmal. Moving from one kid to two kids is hard in itself, let alone without birth trauma lingering in the nervous system.
Untreated birth trauma can cause debilitating symptoms of anxiety, depression or even PTSD. It can make it difficult postpartum for the mom to feel capable, calm, or connected to the baby or herself. I’ll hear many negative beliefs about the self like, “I am defective,” “I am inadequate,” “I am not safe,” or “I’m a bad mom,” and more. These negative beliefs and the heavy feelings and body sensations that come with these can make it really difficult to enjoy motherhood. Birth trauma is like this heavy weight that hangs over you in every interaction with yourself, others, and baby, clouding your way of being in the world. Usually, we’ll attribute our struggle in postpartum as indicating that something is wrong with us. We did something wrong. We’re to blame. Comparing yourself to other moms. I’m failing.
There’s nothing “wrong with you.” Actually, your brain and body have responded appropriately to something that was traumatic and incredibly challenging. Your brain and body did the best it knew how to do at the time in order to survive the moment (s). If you’re not in a place where this feels accessible and like something you can connect with, that’s ok too. Looking at what is getting stuck in connecting with this can be a great place to start in therapy!
In EMDR we allow the nervous system to show us exactly where we need to go. You can’t do it wrong, and the nervous system leads the way. Part of this experience is allowing yourself to sit with the hardest part of the birth trauma, while knowing you’re here, you survived. It’s allowing your brain to refile this in a way that is not seeping out in your daily life being triggered. Will you forget the traumatic birth? No. Will you be able to live and thrive with it? Yes.
The first thing in deciding if you want to grow your family after birth trauma is to recognize this part of you that holds the traumatic birth experience. Is this part of you asking if adding another feels safe? Because this question is even being asked it shows that there is work to be done on your traumatic birth. This part of you recognizes that what you went through in your first birth was really challenging, difficult and it needs attention. With EMDR we’re able to deeply sit with this part of you that holds all of the loss, grief and fear experienced with the first birth. We identify the negative beliefs about the self that were planted in this difficult birth experience, and we identify the moments that stand out or are stuck in the nervous system that get triggered when you think about the traumatic birth. We then reprocess these moments, allowing your nervous system to digest and reconcile these moments to allow you to come to a positive belief about the self. Once this is done, we can look back on the birth trauma moments and not be triggered, not have intense negative thoughts, feelings, or body sensations. We can view it with self-compassion and gentleness that allows it to not overstimulate you or show up being triggered in daily life.
Once the birth trauma has been reprocessed and given it the time and attention it deserves, then you can know that you’re making a decision to add to your family or not from your adult, core self. There’s a greater sense of clarity, calm and contentment in the decision. Then you will know you’re ready to decide.
So, it’s not about jumping to make a decision, but it’s really about healing from your first birth. When you do this, you can make a decision that is grounded in clarity. Then, you’re less likely to bring the traumatic birth experience with you into the next birth. You deserve to heal.
Shelley Freeman, LCMHC (she/her) is a Certified EMDR therapist working with women to and through the journey of motherhood, helping moms to reclaim a sense of safety in their mind, body and spirt. Since becoming a mom herself, this has been a passion to help moms resolve past trauma or trauma related to the journey to motherhood so you can show up for yourself and your kids in a healthy, joy-filled way. She is licensed in NC, VA, DC, SC and FL and has a fully virtual practice in eastern NC. She's been doing counseling since 2005.
